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How to Stop a Toddler from Throwing Things and Hitting Me – Solving Problem Behaviors

  • Many toddlers hit or throw when frustrated or overwhelmed. Calm, consistent strategies—like clear rules and silent follow-through—can dramatically reduce these behaviors.
  • Not all responses are equal; negotiating, lecturing, or giving extra attention often makes throwing and hitting worse. Removing attention and using simple, predictable steps works far better.

  • Parents can easily apply these tools anywhere—teaching rules in calm moments, removing toys when needed, and praising calm behavior. These strategies helped reduce throwing and hitting in just two days.

  • Often, to stop throwing and hitting we also need to look at the child’s other skills and teach language and self care skills while reducing the throwing and hitting. Learn more here.

Are you struggling with your toddler hitting you or throwing things across the room?
Or maybe you have a preschooler or a 4-year-old throwing things when mad, frustrated, or overwhelmed. Many children with or without developmental delays use hitting and throwing as a way to express big emotions—especially when they don’t yet have the language or self-regulation skills they need.

A common question I hear from families is:
“How do I stop toddler throwing things or hitting when they’re upset?”

The good news is—you aren’t alone, and there is a simple, positive, child-friendly approach that works quickly.

In this episode of the podcast, our Program Director for Positive Toddler Parenting™, Rachel Smith, joins me to share how she stopped her son Everett’s hitting and throwing things in just two days. You’ll often see Everett throughout our courses and podcast materials—and fun fact: he’s even featured on the cover of our newly renamed podcast.

Remember: You are a great parent or professional—even when things don’t go perfectly every time.
This story will give you hope, confidence, and the exact steps you need to start reducing hitting and throwing today.

Why Toddlers Hit and Throw Things

Hitting and throwing are extremely common toddler and preschool behaviors. Whether your child is 18 months, 2 years old, or even a 4-year-old throwing things when mad, these actions usually happen because the child is frustrated, overwhelmed, or unable to communicate their needs effectively. Toddlers may throw things for attention, to escape a demand, to express anger, or simply because they lack impulse control. And many parents unintentionally reinforce these behaviors by reacting with lecturing, negotiating, or emotional responses. The good news is that with clear expectations, simple rules, and consistent follow-through, how to stop toddler throwing things becomes much more achievable—often within just a few days.

Why Toddlers Hit and Throw Things: Understanding the Root Cause (Everett’s Story)

Before we get into the strategy, you need to understand why toddlers hit or throw things—because the “why” is what drives fast progress.

In Everett’s case, several common factors were at play:

1. He was 3 years old with a brand-new baby brother.

This major life change made him crave attention and connection from his parents.

2. Throwing things and hitting produced a strong reaction (reinforcement).

Even well-intentioned responses like:

  • “No!”

  • “Stop!”

  • “We don’t hit!”

  • “Say sorry.”

  • “If you’re good, you can have ___.”

…all gave Everett extra attention, which made the behaviors more likely to continue.

3. He was allowed to bring toys everywhere.

This meant:

  • His hands were always full

  • The toys became projectiles

  • The items provided sensory input and control

  • The toys inadvertently reinforced the behavior

These are extremely common patterns for toddlers and 4-year-olds who throw things when mad.

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Start Stopping Toddler Hitting and Throwing

One day, Rachel brought Everett to my house to record some photos and short videos. It was a new environment, he was overwhelmed, and emotions were high. He threw a Play-Doh container, banged it against the wall, and later threw a metal train at Rachel’s car.

Rachel—despite her special education background—felt overwhelmed and unsure how to handle it.
This is incredibly common. Even highly trained professionals struggle when their own child is involved.

That moment led to the simple plan that changed everything.

stop throwing. stop hitting. toddler throwing and hitting.

Step-by-Step Plan for How to Stop Toddler Throwing Things and Hitting

Below is the same plan I emailed Rachel that worked in just two days.
It works for toddlers, preschoolers, and 4-year-olds throwing things when mad, whether or not they have speech delays or autism.

Step 1: Explain the Rules in a Neutral, Calm Moment

Not during a tantrum. Not when they’re actively hitting or throwing things.

Rachel and her husband sat Everett down after dinner to explain:

“You’re a big boy now. We can’t throw our toys or hit people anymore. If you throw or hit, Mommy and Daddy will take the toys from your hands until you’re calm. You’ll get them back once your body is calm.”

They also set simple, clear rules:

  • No throwing things inside

  • Only balls can be thrown—and only outside

  • No hitting

  • Toys stay in cup holders or the car when traveling

These rules apply to toddlers and preschoolers with or without autism—they give structure and reduce chaos.

Step 2: Follow Through Every Time (This Is Where Change Happens)

If Everett threw a toy, they removed all toys from his hands.

If he hit or started throwing things when mad, they:

  • Remained silent

  • Turned away

  • Removed attention entirely

  • Gave him space to calm down

When he used a calm voice to ask for the toy back, they returned it immediately.

This step teaches:

  • Calm behavior works

  • Throwing things does not work

  • Parents are predictable and consistent

Step 3: Remove All Attention From the Behavior

Behavior experts know:
Attention is the #1 reinforcer for toddler behavior—even negative attention.

This means:

  • No scolding

  • No reminders

  • No talking about it later

  • No books about hitting/throwing

  • No lectures

  • No forced apologies

Once the incident is over—it’s wiped clean.

This simple shift dramatically reduces toddler throwing things, 4-year-olds throwing things when mad, and hitting of all types.

How to Reduce Throwing Things and Tantrums Quickly Using Positive Parenting

Using this plan to stop throwing and hitting, Everett made huge changes and you can too! 

Within 48 hours:

  • Throwing dropped from multiple times a day to almost zero

  • Hitting stopped

  • Outings became easy

  • Rachel felt confident

  • Everett learned self-regulation

  • The entire home felt calmer

These strategies are effective for:

Frequently Asked Questions About Toddlers Throwing Things, Hitting, and Tantrums

It could be due to many issues. It can be complex, but in general it is because they lack language, impulse control, or coping skills to express frustration. 

Throwing things provides immediate relief and often gets attention.

Yes—throwing things, hitting, and tantrums are common in toddlers and preschoolers. The key is teaching replacement behaviors. It can be more common in kids with autism or delays due to more missing skills. 

The fastest way to stop throwing and hitting is to stay completely calm, gently remove the item, and remove all attention until your child’s body is calm again. No lecturing, no negotiating, and no emotional reactions. When your child uses a calm voice or gesture to request the toy back, give it immediately and move on. This teaches them a simple rule: Calm behavior works; throwing does not. Most families see dramatic progress within 2–3 days using this approach consistently.

No. Traditional discipline—like yelling, time-outs, or forced apologies—can actually increase throwing and hitting because it adds extra attention, emotion, and confusion to the situation. Instead, calmly stop the behavior in the moment, keep everyone safe, and avoid talking about it once it’s over. Later, during a calm time, you can teach the rules and model appropriate ways to ask for help, express frustration, or request a break. 

If attention is the reinforcer, then removing attention becomes the most powerful strategy. This means:

  • No eye contact

  • No talking

  • No reasoning

  • No emotional reaction

  • No rehashing it later

Simply remove the object and remain neutral. As soon as your child is calm, reconnect warmly and move forward. This teaches your child that positive, calm behavior is the fastest way to get attention.

Throwing and hitting by themselves are not signs of autism. These behaviors are very common in toddlers and preschoolers of all developmental levels, especially during language delays, frustration, transitions, or big emotions.

It only becomes a concern when combined with other early signs—such as limited eye contact, reduced response to name, lack of pointing or gestures, delayed speech, repetitive movements, or a preference for playing alone.

If you’re unsure, completing my free 10-minute digital assessment at marybarbera.com/assessment can help you understand whether your child’s behaviors fall within typical toddler development or may need further evaluation.

Rachel Smith on the Positive Toddler Parenting™ Podcast

Rachel Smith is a married mom of 2 boys. She has an elementary special education degree as well as a Reading Specialist masters’ degree. She is the Program Director for the Positive Toddler Parenting™ programs. She used the program herself when her oldest son, Everett, was not using vocal language on time.

Resources

Do you have a toddler who is hitting and/or throwing things? In this interview with our program director Rachel Smith, we discuss how she and her husband got her son Everett to stop throwing and hitting in only two days—after dealing with both behaviors multiple times a day for years.

When Everett was two and three years old, hitting and throwing happened frequently. Rachel, who is the mom of two kids and has a master’s degree in special education, shares her story in this positive toddler parenting episode. We go over an incident Everett had at my house, what I recommended to stop throwing and hitting, what Rachel did, and how the whole process unfolded. This is a rare opportunity to peek behind the curtain and see how you might be able to help your child or clients reduce major problem behaviors to zero or near zero.

Shortly after Everett turned three, Rachel brought him to my house to do some videos and take pictures. Since my home wasn’t all that familiar to him, and because he was in a new situation with added pressure, Everett showed some throwing and hitting behaviors. They weren’t extremely dangerous, but they were concerning.

Rachel, despite her background in special education and experience as our program director, admitted that in the moment she struggled. Like many parents, she found herself reasoning with Everett, offering bribes, and using threats such as, “If you’re not going to be nice, we have to leave.” She also tried to encourage apologies, which tends to place more attention on problem behaviors.

One specific incident stood out. After being asked to pick up a Play-Doh container, Everett threw it, then banged it against the wall. Later, while leaving, he threw a metal train at Rachel’s car. At that point, Rachel felt overwhelmed, almost in tears, and asked me what she should do differently.

Free Assessment

At this point, I’d like to remind listeners about the free 10-minute digital assessment I created for parents of young children. Tens of thousands have already completed it. It can help you find your starting point to help children with and without delays or autism. Visit marybarbera.com/assessment to take it today.

The Email and Plan

After Rachel left that day, I sent her an email with recommendations. We’ll include that email in the show notes at marybarbera.com/185 so you can read it in full. The key point was that Everett’s behaviors were being reinforced—mainly by attention, even though Rachel didn’t intend it.

The plan was simple:

Remove items from Everett’s hands when problem behavior occurred.

Ignore the behavior (no talking, scolding, or reasoning in the moment).

Stop threats and bribes.

Wipe the slate clean once Everett calmed down—no rehashing the problem behavior later.

Set clear rules: no throwing inside, no hitting, and toys stay in the car or cup holders when leaving the house.

Positive Parenting

Rachel and her husband Riley sat Everett down after dinner in a calm moment to explain the new rules. They told him: “You’re a big boy now. We can’t throw our toys or hit people anymore. If you do, Mommy and Daddy will take the toys out of your hands until you calm down. You’ll get them back once you’re calm.”

They also clarified that only balls could be thrown, and only outside. By setting this consistent rule, Everett knew what was expected.

Story Time

The very same evening, Everett tested the rule. He threw a toy dinosaur. Rachel calmly picked it up, removed the toy still in his hand, and turned away to talk to Riley. Within 30 seconds, Everett tugged her shirt and politely asked for his toy back. Rachel praised his calm voice, returned the toy, and they moved on without further discussion.

The next day, when it happened again, she repeated the process. Everett cried briefly, then quickly calmed down and asked appropriately. After just a few trials, Everett began pausing and taking a deep breath instead of throwing.

At the beach soon after, when his cousins were throwing sand, Everett picked some up, looked at Rachel, and asked, “Mommy, can I throw the sand?” Rachel said, “I don’t think that’s a good idea, buddy.” Everett put the sand down—showing he had learned the rule.

Results

In just two days, Everett’s throwing and hitting dropped from three times a day to nearly zero. Rachel noticed he was much easier to manage, outings became more enjoyable, and she felt more confident—even taking both of her boys and her niece to a theme park alone without issues.

This success shows that these techniques are not only for children with autism or significant delays. They can be applied to toddlers with typical development, speech delays, or other challenges—all in a child-friendly, positive way.

If your child is throwing, hitting, or engaging in other problem behaviors daily, these techniques can help you reduce them to near zero. Safety always comes first, and if you’re dealing with severe behaviors, you may need a professional behavior analyst to guide you. But for many families, simple strategies like these can bring quick and lasting improvements.

Stress Reduction Tip

Finally, I asked Rachel to share her own self-care tip. With two little ones, she’s learned the importance of asking for help and taking breaks. She reminded parents that needing a break doesn’t make you a bad parent—it makes you a better one. She also enjoys reading as a way to recharge.

You can get the full show notes, including the email I sent to Rachel, at marybarbera.com/185. If you found this episode helpful, please share it, leave a comment, or review the podcast on Apple Podcasts. And don’t forget to follow me on TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube to help us spread the word.

Want to Learn how to Increase Talking & Decrease Tantrums in Children with Autism or Toddlers Showing Signs?

Want to start making a difference for your child or clients?

I’m Ready to Learn!

About the Author

Dr. Mary Barbera, RN, BCBA-D is a best-selling author, award-winning speaker, and Board Certified Behavior Analyst with a Ph.D. in leadership. As both an autism mom and professional, Mary brings over 25 years of experience helping thousands of parents and professionals around the world. She is the creator of the Turn Autism Around® approach and author of The Verbal Behavior Approach and Turn Autism Around: An Action Guide for Parents of Young Children with Early Signs of Autism. Through her books, online courses, and podcast, Mary empowers families to increase talking, reduce tantrums, and improve life skills in young children with autism or signs of autism.