Why is My Child with Autism Crying So Much?

Kids with autism or signs of autism cry for many reasons and trying to figure out why they are crying can be tricky. Today’s blog is all about the reasons why kids might be crying and how you can help turn this behavior around. As a board-certified behavior analyst, I’ve been in many situations with kids crying. Once I went out to do an initial evaluation and the child cried during the entire session. We don’t want kids crying. It’s normal to ask, “why is my child or client with autism crying so much?”
To help answer that question, I like to use the analogy of me learning to fly a plane. When I start, I have no idea how to fly the plane. I get into the cockpit and there’s a bunch of levers all around me. Someone is trying to explain the levers and the hundreds or thousands of buttons and it’s going way over my head. I might start crying.
If the instructor keeps going with the instruction on the levers, I might start sobbing at that point. I might hyperventilate. I won’t fly a plane at that point because I’m so overwhelmed. Plus, I’m not learning anything about any of those levers. When kids with autism or signs of autism are crying, trying to continue with any demands or situation is just not going to work. The child or client who is crying is not going to be learning at the same time.

Identifying Autism Crying

Autism crying or any kind of problem behavior can be an indication of the child being in some kind of pain. As a registered nurse and a board-certified behavior analyst, I did a few blogs a while back about medical issues. One is on the importance of ruling out medical issues. The other is on how to teach children how to indicate they are in pain. The first step to do that is to teach children to label and receptively identify body parts.

Teaching children with autism to indicate they’re in pain will help you rule out any medical issues when it comes to autism crying early on. It’s important to realize that some of these behaviors will need to be treated medically, not behaviorally.
But like with the analogy of the plane, sometimes the problem is related to behavior. On the plane, I was overwhelmed by the demands and I have very little reinforcement. Things were presented to me that were too technical. That kind crying is probably not pain. That kind of crying is basically my way of communication. Kids without fully conversational communication often cry because they don’t have the ability to tell you exactly what the problem is. They might even be talking at that point, but they can’t tell you what the problem is with their words. Crying is how they get your attention.

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Autism and Crying

When they are hungry, newborn babies cry. It’s a reflex. Crying is our first form of communication. However, we eventually learn how to communicate in other ways. Looking back on the plane analogy, I was crying because the demands were too high and reinforcement was too low. Autism crying and tantrums might happen frequently if there is too high of a demand or too little reinforcement.

I say this a lot because I see a lot of crying and other problem behaviors where this is the problem. We just have to make reinforcement really high and demands really low and systematically get them higher as we start to fade out reinforcement. Crying is not something that we should just accept as part of autism or a part of being two or three or four or 10. There are definitely steps you can take to help tackle problem behaviors. Your child or client can learn to better communicate without resorting to crying.

What to do During an Autism Meltdown

The first step to learning to tackle a problem behavior is always assessment. Figure out if the child is crying because of pain or because they are overwhelmed and lack communication. This is where we also evaluate if our demands are too high, and if our reinforcement is too low.
Then we need to make a plan. Part of that plan should be to spend 95% of our time preventing problem behavior, including crying. I have a simple paper calendar system to help keep track of crying and other problem behaviors. You can use it to stay on track. It really could help you start to turn things around.

How to Handle Autism Meltdowns

If you have a child who’s crying, whining, or screaming and you don’t know how to help them, start with an assessment, make a plan, and use my calendar system. You can do this for children or clients with an autism diagnosis, kids who are showing signs of autism, or if they are typically developing as well.

These steps are outlined in my three-step guide that you can get for free by downloading it at marybarbera.com/join. This free guide is going to help you learn better how to assess, make a plan, and keep easy data to start turning things around today.

Kids with autism or signs of autism cry for many reasons, and trying to figure out why they are crying can be tricky. Today’s video blog is all about the reasons why kids might be crying and how you can help turn this behavior around. Hi, I’m Dr. Mary Barbera, autism mom, Board Certified Behavior Analyst, and bestselling author. Each week, I provide you with some of my ideas about turning autism and signs of autism around—so if you haven’t subscribed to my YouTube channel, you can do that now. As a Board Certified Behavior Analyst, I’ve been in many situations with kids crying. Once, I went out to do an initial evaluation and the child cried during the entire session. We don’t want kids crying—that’s never a good thing. I like to use the analogy of me learning to fly a plane. When I start, I have no idea how to fly. I get into the cockpit and there’s a zillion levers all around me, and someone starts explaining what they all do. It’s going way over my head, and I might start crying. If the instruction keeps going, I’m sobbing, maybe even hyperventilating. At that point, I don’t even want to fly the plane. I’m so overwhelmed, and if the person just keeps going while I’m sobbing, I’m not learning anything about those levers. When kids are crying and professionals or parents continue with demands in that moment, it just doesn’t work. The child who is crying is not going to be learning at the same time. Crying—or any kind of problem behavior—can also be an indication of the child being in some kind of pain. As a registered nurse and a behavior analyst, I’ve done blogs on ruling out medical issues, which is especially important when kids are not talking or not conversational. I’ve also created a video blog on how to teach children to indicate they are in pain, starting with labeling and identifying body parts. But like the plane analogy, sometimes the crying isn’t about pain. It’s about being overwhelmed by demands with little reinforcement, and kids who can’t communicate well often cry for that reason. Even newborn babies cry as a form of communication—to be fed, to have their diaper changed, or to be held. Crying is the very first form of communication. So if a child is crying, often it means the demands are too high and the reinforcement is too low. That’s something I say a lot because I see it so often. The solution is to make reinforcement really high and demands really low, then gradually raise expectations as reinforcement is faded. But crying is not something we should just accept as part of autism—or as part of being two, three, four, or ten years old. There are definitely steps you can take. I’ve done a video blog on tackling problem behaviors, which you can check out after this. The important first step is always assessment: is the crying from pain, from being overwhelmed, from communication difficulties, or from demands being too high? What reinforcement is in place? Once you have that information, you can make a plan. A big part of the plan should be to spend 95% of your time preventing problem behaviors, including crying. I also recommend my simple paper calendar system to keep track of crying and other problem behaviors. It’s a great tool to help you and your team start turning things around. In summary: if you have a child or client who is crying—whether they have autism, signs of autism, or are typically developing—the steps are the same. Start with assessment, make a plan, and use a calendar or data system to track progress. All of this is outlined in my free three-step guide, available at marybarbera.com/join. If you liked this video blog, I’d love it if you leave me a comment, give me a thumbs up, share the video with others who might benefit, and subscribe to the channel for more videos like this. And don’t forget to download the free guide at marybarbera.com/join. I’ll see you right here next week.

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About the Author

Dr. Mary Barbera, RN, BCBA-D is a best-selling author, award-winning speaker, and Board Certified Behavior Analyst with a Ph.D. in leadership. As both an autism mom and professional, Mary brings over 25 years of experience helping thousands of parents and professionals around the world. She is the creator of the Turn Autism Around® approach and author of The Verbal Behavior Approach and Turn Autism Around: An Action Guide for Parents of Young Children with Early Signs of Autism. Through her books, online courses, and podcast, Mary empowers families to increase talking, reduce tantrums, and improve life skills in young children with autism or signs of autism.