Welcome to another episode of Autism and Speech Delays Made Easy.
I want to take some time today to talk about a topic that many parents and caregivers struggle with: the cry-it-out method.
This approach, often used in sleep training, suggests that leaving a child to cry until they fall asleep will teach them to self-soothe. However, in my experience as a behavior analyst and mother, I’ve found that this method can do more harm than good.
In this episode, I’ll explain why I don’t recommend the cry-it-out method, the potential negative effects it can have on a child’s development, and share alternative strategies that focus on positive reinforcement and emotional readiness. I will also touch on how the cry-it-out method can be tied to separation anxiety.
My goal is to help you understand the importance of building trust and security with your child, and to provide you with tools to foster a calm and supportive environment for their growth.
When I talk about the cry-it-out method for sleep training, I’m referring to a technique where a child is left to cry in their crib or bed without any immediate comfort or intervention, with the goal of teaching them to self-soothe and fall asleep on their own.
This method is often used with babies and toddlers, under the belief that they will eventually stop crying and learn to sleep independently.
However, I believe this approach can be problematic because it ignores the child’s emotional needs and can lead to increased stress, a lack of trust, and even more crying in the long run. There was actually a 2020 study done that showed the approach did not benefit sleep by 18 months of age.
Instead, I advocate for more supportive methods that gradually help a child feel secure enough to sleep without tears.
To put it simply, no, I don’t believe so.
I don’t recommend letting kids cry it out, especially for sleep training. A study from the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry in 2020 found that this method made little difference in a baby’s development by 18 months.
However, I’ve seen firsthand that the cry-it-out method can actually make children less confident and trusting, which can lead to more crying and other problem behaviors, especially in children with autism or other delays.
Letting a child cry until they fall asleep not only increases their stress levels but can also damage the bond of trust between the child and their caregivers.
This is particularly concerning because trust and security are foundational for healthy emotional development. Children need to feel safe and supported, not abandoned.
One of the key points I always emphasize is the importance of emotional readiness in learning new skills, including self-soothing.
I like to use the analogy of learning to fly a plane: imagine being thrown into a cockpit with hundreds of buttons and levers, completely unprepared. If you started crying out of frustration or fear, would you be able to focus and learn? Of course not.
The same principle applies to children—if they are crying, it likely means that the demands placed on them are too high, or that the reinforcement they need to feel secure is too low. They cannot learn to self-soothe, talk, or do any skill while crying and dysregulated.
This is one reason why I also advocate against letting kids cry during therapy sessions.
So, if the cry it out method isn’t the answer, what should we do instead?
I strongly believe in using positive reinforcement and gradual changes to help children develop good sleep habits and other behaviors.
For example, if a child is having trouble sleeping alone, I recommend gradually fading the presence of a caregiver rather than abruptly leaving them to cry.
This might involve sitting next to the child’s bed until they fall asleep and slowly moving the chair further away each night until they no longer need your presence to feel secure. I am not the only one who advocates for this approach. Last week, I reviewed Dr. Becky Kennedy’s Good Inside book where she also has a chapter on sleep and discusses using this same approach to sleep intervention.
This approach not only helps the child feel safe but also builds trust and confidence, which are essential for healthy emotional development.
The other type of cry-it-out I want to address is during therapy sessions.
We don’t want kids crying in therapy sessions, or anywhere for long periods of time.
I’ve had many clients who’ve struggled with their children crying when separated from their parents during therapy sessions.
I recall a story about a grandmother who took my course and was making great progress with her two-year-old grandson. He was responding well and even saying new words. But when she shared that the ABA therapy team planned to take him into a room on the first day and warned her to expect a lot of crying, I was deeply concerned.
This approach—putting a child in a room with strangers and expecting them to adapt quickly—can be incredibly stressful and counterproductive.
Instead of forcing separation and expecting tears, I believe in gradually introducing new environments and people, using positive reinforcement to build trust and make the transition as smooth as possible.
It’s crucial to ensure that children feel safe and supported, especially when they’re in a new or challenging situation.
Separation anxiety is another common challenge that can make sleep training, therapy and preschool drop offs difficult.
Unfortunately, letting kids cry-it-out can cause this type of anxiety or make it worse.
This anxiety typically starts between six and twelve months of age and usually resolves by the time a child is two or three years old. However, for children with developmental delays, separation anxiety can be more intense and last longer.
To address this, I recommend focusing on pairing new people or environments with positive reinforcement. For instance, when introducing a new therapist or caregiver, ensure they bring along favorite toys or activities to help build a positive association.
Gradually, the child will learn to feel comfortable and secure with the new person or in the new setting.
I will say, that because kids with autism and speech delays struggle with their language, there may still be some crying, but we want to have a gradual plan in place for success.
I have heard of parents staying in the room, but gradually fading out while taking data to ensure the crying isn’t lasting a long time and is getting shorter each day.
The ultimate goal is to prevent crying as much as possible by ensuring children are in a calm, happy, and engaged state.
This means spending about 95% of our time creating environments and routines that minimize stress and maximize comfort and support.
When crying does occur, it’s important to take note of the triggers and make adjustments to avoid the same situation in the future.
Sometimes this takes being creative and using things the child really likes to balance out the things they may not.
In conclusion, I believe that the cry-it-out method does more harm than good.
Instead, I encourage parents and caregivers to focus on building strong, trusting relationships with children through positive reinforcement and gradual transitions.
By proactively preventing crying and addressing issues like separation anxiety with care and patience, we can create a more positive and supportive environment for our children to thrive.
