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How to Teach Children to Wait and Accept No

Dr. Mary Barbera

• Accepting “no” and waiting are not behaviors children just “grow out of.” These are critical life skills that many children with autism and language delays need to be taught step by step.

 

• Tantrums often continue because crying or problem behavior has worked in the past. Teaching children that calm behavior works—and planning ahead to prevent meltdowns—can dramatically reduce frustration.

 

• Waiting becomes much easier when children stay engaged. Using timers, preferred activities, and structured teaching helps children tolerate delays successfully.

 

• If a child struggles with accepting no, waiting, talking, or problem behaviors, start with a clear plan. Take the free Barbera Early Childhood Assessment (BECA) to identify your child’s strengths and next steps so you can begin helping them make real progress. 

How to Teach Children with Autism to Accept “No” and Wait (Without Tantrums)

If your child has difficulty accepting “no” or waiting for things they want, you are not alone. These are two of the most common autism challenges parents and professionals ask me about.

An autistic child may want balloons at a restaurant, another cookie, or your phone. Sometimes the answer has to be no. Other times, they can have it—but they need to wait. Both situations can lead to crying, screaming, or meltdowns if these skills aren’t taught intentionally. 

The good news is this: accepting no and waiting are skills that can be taught to a child with autism 

Why Accepting “No” and Waiting Are Hard for Children with Autism

Before we talk about strategies, it helps to understand why these skills are difficult. 

1. Crying Has Worked in the Past

All babies and toddlers cry to get their needs met. Toddlers and crying behavior can be normal to an extent. 

Crying is an inborn behavior that often results in food, comfort, or attention. As children grow and develop language, communication should gradually replace crying—but that doesn’t always happen automatically. 

If crying sometimes leads to getting what they want, the behavior is reinforced and continues. Especially if it gets them it faster than communicating with words. 

2. Language and Communication Delays

Many children with autism struggle to:

  • Ask appropriately

  • Understand delays

  • Tolerate frustration

  • Use words instead of behavior

Without strong communication, waiting or accepting no can feel overwhelming.

3. Difficulty Understanding Time

Waiting requires understanding that:

  • Something will happen later

  • Waiting ends

  • The reward is still coming

These concepts are abstract and difficult for many children.

4. Limited Practice with Frustration

Some children either:

  • Hear “no” too often without enough success and reinforcement, or

  • Rarely hear “no” until situations arise where it really matters

Both scenarios can make frustration tolerance harder.

teach a child with autism to wait. accepting no and waiting

How to Help a Child Accept No and Wait

When teaching any important life skill, I recommend following a systematic approach rather than trying random strategies.

Step 1: Assess the Situation

Start by asking:

  • How often does my child cry when told no?

  • How intense are the tantrums?

  • What situations trigger meltdowns most often?

You don’t need perfect data, but you should have a general baseline before making changes. 

Step 2: Make a Plan (Prevention Is Key)

One of the biggest mistakes parents make is focusing only on stopping tantrums instead of preventing them.

Prevention strategies include:

  • Bringing preferred items when going out

  • Planning ahead for difficult situations

  • Structuring activities to increase success

But the most important prevention strategy is this:

Say yes a lot when you can.

Children who experience frequent success and reinforcement are better able to tolerate occasional disappointment. 

I often say we should aim to be the “spoiling grandmother” when the child is calm, engaged, and learning.

Step 3: Teach the Skill

Once you have strong reinforcement and communication in place, you can begin teaching accepting no and waiting.

Teaching Accepting “No”

A gentle and effective approach involves:

  1. Stay calm.

  2. Do not immediately give the desired item while the child is crying.

  3. Wait for even a few seconds of quiet.

  4. Then offer:

    • The item (if appropriate), or

    • An alternative choice

Even talking extensively while a child is crying can reinforce the behavior, so calm and brief responses are important. 

Over time, children learn that:

  • Calm behavior works

  • Crying does not produce results

Teaching Waiting

Waiting should be taught gradually.

One important principle:
Waiting should not mean doing nothing.

When adults wait, we:

  • Check our phones

  • Talk to others

  • Stay occupied

Children should do the same.

Examples:

  • Set a timer

  • Play a small game

  • Do a puzzle

  • Engage in a preferred activity

Keeping children engaged while waiting dramatically increases success. 

Practice When It’s Easy

Don’t wait until high-stress situations to teach these skills.

Practice during calm moments:

  • Offer small choices

  • Occasionally, say no when the stakes are low

  • Offer alternatives

This builds tolerance in manageable steps.

Step 4: Evaluate Progress

After implementing strategies:

  • Are tantrums less frequent?

  • Are meltdowns shorter?

  • Is the child calming faster?

We’re not looking for perfection. Even small improvements are meaningful progress.

Want to Learn how to Increase Talking & Decrease Tantrums in Children with Autism or Toddlers Showing Signs?

Want to start making a difference for your child or clients?

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Follow the Shush and Give Procedure

The count and mand procedure, which was developed by Dr. Vincent Carbone, is where you say “no crying” or “shhh” and count out loud to 10. I took that approach and I made it very babyish, very gentle, very kind. I call it the shush and give procedure.
So you may have something the child wants, but they’re still crying. You can’t just hand it over. It’s also not a good idea to say “I’ll buy you that tomorrow” or “you have to understand that somebody else’s balloon.” Even trying to calm them down when they’re crying is reinforcing.
So you want to do a shush and give where you say “shhh,” and as soon as they’re quiet, then you can offer them the balloon. But if they can’t have the balloon, you still have to do a shush and then offer them a couple of other choices. Like maybe they can’t have that balloon at the neighbor’s table, but they could have an iPad or a cookie.
You might want to hold up the choices. Again, if they start screaming or crying, calmly wait, do a shush again and then offer them the choice. Or if you know he would want the cookie then shush and as soon as he’s quiet, give him a cookie. That’s a silent count of just a few seconds.

Taking Data

The fourth step of the Turn Autism Around Approach is to evaluate and take data. So you took your baseline data. He cries and doesn’t accept no 50 times a day on average. Once you put the strategies within my approach in place, you should really get those toddler tantrums to subside. We’re not looking for perfect here. You know, they might still be whimpering a little bit. It’s just a shaping procedure.
There are standard ABA procedures called accepting no procedures, but those are pretty strict and they require a lot of data. They require a lot of expertise. So I don’t recommend that you as a parent or early intervention provider necessarily run anything official. There’s also a waiting program where, incrementally, you could increase the time that the child’s supposed to wait.

Teaching Kids to Wait

But when you think about you or I waiting for something, say you’re waiting in line at the grocery store. You’re not just standing there idle, waiting, and sitting with your hands folded. We are scrolling through Facebook. We’re thinking about what we’re gonna make for dinner. We’re talking on the phone.
So my idea of teaching children to wait, which is related to accepting no, is to keep them busy with something engaging while they’re waiting. If they need to wait for the pizza to be done, tell them we’re going to set the timer. Get them to play a game or do a puzzle, something preferred while they wait.
Instead of doing official programs, I tend to want to just work with the child and the family to wait and accept no on a natural basis throughout the day.

Preventing Crying in Toddlers by Accepting No and Waiting

So in summary, prevention is definitely key. We want to say yes a lot and get the child manding for a lot of things before we say no. And then practice accepting no for things that aren’t a big deal. Say the child wants a pretzel, but you give them a chip instead. So you say no to more pretzels, even though they could have more pretzels, and practice offering them a chip instead.

Want to Learn how to Increase Talking & Decrease Tantrums in Children with Autism or Toddlers Showing Signs?

Want to start making a difference for your child or clients?

I’m Ready to Learn!
Learning to accept no and wait is a skill. This is a deficit that a lot of kids have, even kids without autism or any kind of language delays. We just have to make sure that if the child’s crying, we should not be delivering praise or reinforcement of any kind. Wait at least a few seconds before delivering the reinforcement. It may not be the actual item they want. But the child will definitely learn if you follow these techniques.

Accepting No and Waiting FAQ

Many children with autism struggle to accept “no” because of communication delays, difficulty understanding abstract concepts like time, and past reinforcement of crying or tantrums. If problem behavior has sometimes resulted in getting what they want, even intermittently, it can continue. Accepting “no” is not automatic—it’s a skill that often needs to be taught intentionally and consistently.

Start small and keep your child engaged while they wait. Use a timer, offer a preferred activity, or play a short game during the waiting period. Waiting should not mean sitting idle. Gradually increase waiting time as your child becomes more successful. Consistency and practice during low-stress situations are key.

You should stay calm and avoid reinforcing the crying or tantrum by giving the desired item while the behavior is happening. However, this does not mean ignoring your child completely. Briefly wait for even a few seconds of calm before offering attention, praise, or an alternative. The goal is to teach that calm behavior works better than crying—not to withdraw connection or support.