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How to Get Parents Out of Autism Denial

  • Autism denial is common and often driven by fear and lack of understanding.

  • Recognizing early signs like delayed speech, lack of eye contact, and repetitive behaviors can lead to earlier intervention.

  • Denial delays critical interventions, making it harder for children to catch up developmentally.

  • Immediate steps to take: Read Turn Autism Around, complete the BECA assessment, and attend a free online workshop.

I’m often asked “How do you get a parent out of autism denial?” In the first page of my book, The Verbal Behavior Approach, I say that my husband first mentioned the possibility of autism when Lucas was only 21 months old. I was horrified and I told him that I never ever wanted to hear the word autism again. And it’s kind of ironic because I say, speak, type, and write autism so many times a day now. I have learned a lot about autism and autism denial in the last couple decades! 

What is Autism Denial?

Autism denial occurs when parents or family members refuse to acknowledge that a child may be showing signs of autism. Often driven by fear, misunderstanding, and societal stigma, denial can lead to significant delays in diagnosis and intervention.

In my own experience, despite being a registered nurse with extensive medical knowledge, I went into a state of denial when my husband first suggested that our son Lucas might have autism at 21 months old. Lucas seemed perfect to me—warm, cuddly, with a handful of words—and did not match the stereotypical image of autism I had at the time.

Recognizing the Early Signs of Autism

Recognizing the signs of autism early is crucial for timely intervention. Common early indicators include lack of eye contact, delayed speech, limited gestures such as pointing, excessive focus on objects rather than people, and repetitive behaviors. Some children may also display sensory sensitivities or struggle with transitions.autism denial, autism diagnosis denial

Parents may overlook these signs or misattribute them to personality differences, speech delays, or other non-autism-related factors. However, if your child is not meeting developmental milestones, it’s important to seek an evaluation rather than waiting to “see if they grow out of it.” Early intervention is key to helping children reach their full potential.

My Story of Autism Denial

The first time my husband brought up autism, I was angry and adamant that I never wanted to hear that word again. This response plunged me into a deep denial lasting over a year. Unfortunately, during this critical time, Lucas fell further behind his peers. Reflecting now, that lost year was incredibly impactful.

Denial often arises from fear of the future and uncertainty about a child’s potential. Maybe parents think their child might just outgrow the delays or struggles. This was true in my case. However, I’ve since learned and personally witnessed how early interventions like Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) can dramatically change outcomes for children, even allowing some kids to gain so many skills they may no longer meet the criteria for autism. 

Parents Autism Denial- The Impact

Denial delays critical interventions that can profoundly improve a child’s life. My delay in recognizing Lucas’s autism meant he missed valuable intervention during a crucial developmental window. The longer parents remain in denial, the more significant the potential delays and developmental gaps become, which can require more intensive support later on.

In two-parent homes, it’s common for one parent to experience stronger denial than the other, often causing marital tension. Family dynamics, including extended family opinions, can further complicate and prolong the denial phase, impacting the child’s access to timely interventions.

autism denial, parent autism denial, autism diagnosis

Waiting Lists and Their Role in Autism Denial

One of the biggest challenges parents face today is the long waiting lists for autism evaluations and therapy. With more awareness of autism, more parents are seeking assessments, but the demand often outpaces the availability of specialists. In some areas, parents are waiting 9 months to 2 years just for an initial evaluation.

The frustration of these wait times can sometimes reinforce denial. Parents may feel that since they can’t get an immediate diagnosis, there’s no harm in waiting longer to address concerns. However, this delay can be detrimental. Even without a diagnosis, parents can take proactive steps to implement evidence-based strategies that help with communication, behavior, and learning while awaiting professional support. My online courses are a popular choice for those who want to help their kids while on wait lists. 

How to Get Out of Autism Denial

So what can you do if you are in denial or you have encountered a parent who is having autism denial? 

Here are two critical steps to help yourself or others move beyond denial:

1. Offer Hope

Fear fuels denial. Reassure yourself or your loved ones by highlighting the hope and possibilities available through early interventions. Studies indicate that nearly 37% of children diagnosed with autism early can significantly improve, sometimes to the point where they no longer meet the diagnostic criteria.

My own research with a little girl named Elena demonstrated remarkable progress, from having just two words to achieving 180 words and phrases within a month of intervention. Elena now thrives academically and socially in elementary school without additional support. Hope is a powerful motivator to break denial.

2. Meet Parents Where They Are with Data

Approach the parent who is in denial gently, using objective data. When a parent can clearly see the missing milestones, they can sometimes get on board. You don’t have to start with pointing out autism for those in autism denial.  Begin with less intimidating steps like speech evaluations or developmental checklists available from the CDC’s Act Early initiative. My Barbera Early Childhood Assessment (BECA) is another excellent tool to present factual data regarding developmental milestones.

By presenting data in a non-threatening, factual manner, you can help reduce the emotional barriers to acceptance. If one parent remains resistant, advocate for proceeding with interventions yourself. Once positive progress becomes apparent, resistance often softens.

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How to Help Someone in Autism Denial

If you have a loved one who is struggling with autism denial, it’s important to approach the situation with empathy and patience. A few key strategies include:

  • Encourage small steps – Rather than pushing for an immediate autism evaluation, suggest a general developmental checkup or a speech therapy assessment as an initial step.

  • Provide success stories – Share real-life examples of children who have benefited from early intervention, which can make the idea of seeking help less overwhelming.

  • Avoid blame or confrontation – Instead of saying, “You’re in denial,” try expressing concern with phrases like, “I’ve noticed some delays, and I think early help could make a difference.”

  • Introduce educational resources – Suggest books, articles, or my free workshop to provide factual information in a low-pressure way.

Sometimes, acceptance takes time, and pushing too hard can create resistance. Lead by example by implementing helpful strategies yourself and demonstrating positive changes.

Taking Action for Autism Denial 

If you’re concerned about a child aged one to five exhibiting signs of autism, speech delays, or developmental challenges, I strongly recommend:

These steps can equip you with practical tools and strategies to begin effective intervention right away.

Final Thoughts on Autism Denial

Breaking through autism denial can be challenging, but it’s a crucial step towards a brighter future for your child. Through education, early intervention, and a supportive approach, parents can overcome denial, advocating effectively for their child’s potential. I’m passionate about helping families turn autism around, and I invite you to join our community today.

Let’s move forward, informed and empowered.

Are you or your spouse in denial that your child might have autism? Do you have a child or even a grandchild that you’re worried about, who might be showing some signs, but you avoid the topic completely? Today I’m going to cover the top two things you should do if you or a family member is in denial. In case you don’t know me, I’m Dr. Mary Barbera, and I’ve been in the autism world for over 25 years—first as a confused mom of a son with autism who was in denial. When my husband, who was a physician, first mentioned the possibility that our then 21-month-old son might have autism, I told him that I never wanted to hear the word autism again. I then went into a deep state of denial for over a year. In my defense, this was back in the late 1990s when there were no Google searches and no social media. At that time, the rate of autism was 1 in 500. Now it’s 1 in 36, with 1 in 22 boys having autism. As an autism mom previously in denial, as well as an autism professional now—best-selling author, behavior analyst, and online course creator—I’m often asked: How do you get a parent out of denial? Step 1: Offer Hope One of the main reasons for denial is fear. The parent in denial is usually afraid of what life will look like down the road if the child has autism or another significant developmental disorder. But there is solid evidence that intervening early—even before an autism diagnosis—can help start turning things around. In fact, it may help children on the severe end of the spectrum move toward living a much more typical life. A 2023 study that I summarized in podcast episode #259, Can You Outgrow Autism?, followed over 200 children in Boston. It showed that children diagnosed with autism between ages 1 and 3 no longer qualified for an autism diagnosis between ages 5 and 7 in 37.1% of cases. That’s a significant number, especially considering these children had confirmed diagnoses. If your child doesn’t yet have a diagnosis, the chances of improvement—or of never needing one—are even higher if you act early. My BCBA mentor, Dr. Rick Kubina, and I also published a white paper showing the remarkable turnaround of a little girl named Elena. She went from two words to 180 words and phrases in just one month, after her mom used the techniques from my online toddler course. Today, Elena is in elementary school without any support. She’s gifted, thriving, and social. I also have many online participants whose children never received an autism diagnosis but overcame speech delays, excessive tantrums, and self-care challenges with these strategies. And even if your child does go on to receive a level 3 autism diagnosis and requires 24/7 care like my son Lucas, the strategies you learn early can still transform you into your child’s best teacher and advocate for life. So, the first way to help someone out of denial is to offer hope. Step 2: Meet the Parent in Denial Where They Are—With Data The second step is to meet the parent or family member where they are, using data. Let’s say your husband is in denial and doesn’t want to pursue an autism evaluation. But you’ve been reading my Turn Autism Around book or listening to my podcasts, and you know how important early intervention is. Meet your partner where they are. If they’re willing to start with a speech evaluation or talk about a speech delay, begin there. Search for your state’s Birth to Three services and ask for a multidisciplinary evaluation if possible. If all you can get is a speech and language evaluation, that’s still a good start. If your partner isn’t even open to a speech evaluation—or your child is already in speech therapy but showing signs of autism—then go a step further yourself. Read chapters 1 and 2 of my book Turn Autism Around (resources are free online if you don’t own the book). Complete my free digital assessment, the Barbera Early Childhood Assessment (BECA). Check the CDC’s Act Early website for developmental milestones. For example, if your 15- to 18-month-old doesn’t point with their index finger or say any words, that’s a red flag. Print out the milestone checklist for their age. If your child’s BECA scores are under 85%, use this data to bring to your spouse or family discussion. If one or both parents are still unwilling to move forward with professional evaluation or intervention, let them know you’re going to proceed with learning more to help your child. Half of the families in our toddler/preschooler course don’t have a diagnosis for their children. You can finish reading Turn Autism Around, join our online toddler course (for ages 1–5), or even apply for our high-touch coaching program, which I recently discussed in a podcast. Once you start seeing progress through these strategies, the parent in denial is far more likely to get on board. If you are a parent or grandparent worried that your child (ages 1–5) might have autism, I urge you to: Download my book at TurnAutismAround.com Complete the free BECA assessment Attend a free workshop Consider joining our online course and community These resources will equip you with the tools and strategies that have already helped families in over 100 countries. Most importantly, they can help you—or someone you love—move past denial and embrace effective early intervention. Don’t forget to download the resources linked around this video, and I hope to see you in our online community soon.

Want to Learn how to Increase Talking & Decrease Tantrums in Children with Autism or Toddlers Showing Signs?

Want to start making a difference for your child or clients?

I’m Ready to Learn!

Top 5 Autism Denial FAQ

Early signs include delayed speech, lack of eye contact, repetitive behaviors, not responding to their name, and difficulty with social interactions. If you notice these signs, it’s important to seek an evaluation early.

Denial can delay early interventions, making it harder for a child to catch up developmentally. The earlier a child receives therapy and support, the better their chances for improvement.

Offer hope, present factual data gently, and encourage small steps like a speech evaluation or developmental screening. Avoid confrontational language and provide educational resources to help them understand autism better.

Start by educating yourself with trusted resources. Take small steps by seeking a speech or developmental evaluation. Reach out to support groups or professionals who can provide guidance. Most importantly, focus on the progress your child can make rather than fearing the diagnosis.

Even without a diagnosis, parents can implement strategies such as speech development exercises, structured routines, and behavior management techniques. Online resources like the BECA assessment and my Turn Autism Around book can help guide early intervention.

About the Author

Dr. Mary Barbera, RN, BCBA-D is a best-selling author, award-winning speaker, and Board Certified Behavior Analyst with a Ph.D. in leadership. As both an autism mom and professional, Mary brings over 25 years of experience helping thousands of parents and professionals around the world. She is the creator of the Turn Autism Around® approach and author of The Verbal Behavior Approach and Turn Autism Around: An Action Guide for Parents of Young Children with Early Signs of Autism. Through her books, online courses, and podcast, Mary empowers families to increase talking, reduce tantrums, and improve life skills in young children with autism or signs of autism.